Getting ready

I was once told, during a Navigators meeting, I think, that the main aim of marriage is discipleship. Of course, like any other 20-something year old, I thought they were being to "Christiany" about the matter. Marriage is about romance, and love, and smiles, and children and family. It ought to be about us and how we make each other happy, right?

I find myself in a preparation phase. I keep getting the feeling that all of this has been in preparation for a grand point in time. I was never truly aware of what that point was. I used to think that perhaps I was working towards a degree, or a job or a wedding. Yet after all of these, I am still in waiting. I get the sense that He is not done with me yet. 

Before I got married, I should have prepared myself more. We did the mandatory months of counselling. We dated for almost 8 years. We had met each other's families. We were sure that we were compatible in every sense. I liked him, even on my bad days. He made me giddy with joy. I was sure I was ready to commit to one lover forever. But I should have asked him more questions. I should have spent more hours with him. I should have spent more time with his friends. He is my groom. I know now that I should have given him more. I should have prayed more. I should have focused more on him and not on the colour of the linen or the number of guests. At the end of the day, it mattered nought. Only that I said I would [be his light] and he said he would [be my knight].

I find myself in preparation, again. I am getting ready to open up my heart. That thing about discipleship has come back to my mind. He's changing me, and I, him. Society, for some reason unknown to me, trusts us more with its issues now that we are married. So we are expected to open our home as well as our hearts. I get calls and questions about things that I have never dealt with before, things that make me pray more because the caller/questioner is desperately hoping that I will provide a resolution. I am learning to be more hospitable, despite years of cultivating the skill of ignoring people and having people ignore me. I cannot hide behind my books any more. I am learning that it is no longer about me and what I get. I can no longer live for just myself. It's easy to be selfish as a child, for your parents are entrusted with the responsibility of selflessness. Now, I am the [almost] parent. 

I find myself seeking to make things better in the future. A few years ago, I was content with just making today work. Now, I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness today so that my loves can smile tomorrow. I find myself planning garden adventures in a land that we have not yet tended to. I catch myself dreaming of starry nights roasting potatoes, just like my father did when we were children. I have already picked a spot for the roasting pit. We are planning for an extra room, separate from the rest so that even in their young adulthood, they can be near to and far from us all at once. 

He's getting me ready again. I think this is the final one [well at least the final earthly one]. But I may be wrong. Mother has proven that one can live several phases of life. There is no final ONE. Whatever the case, this feels big. 

I was reading today about God's beauty and having confidence in God's ability to protect me. All I kept thinking of was how I must communicate this beauty to and protect my love from the ugliness that so easily engulfs.

I'm getting ready, again. This time, I'm awake.