Grand plans

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I haven't felt like celebrating my birthday for a a few years now. I never really saw the point of it. After all, it is my mother who deserves to be celebrated on that day. I did nothing significant or worthy of all this attention. So I started thinking that it might be a good idea to take stock of what I have actually done since my mother's brave act. 

This year, I thought perhaps I would reclaim this birthday thing and use it as an opportunity to send a message, share a cause, meet a need. It's one of the few days in the year when several people actively seek me out. I thought it made sense to use that chance to actually communicate something more substantial than a birthday greeting and acknowledgement of that greeting. 

I spent a few years with some very ambitious people, the kind who make you feel like you are right at the centre of the social wave that is key to changing the world. They are the energetic kind, powerfully passionate about their causes. I am always part of the support team. I rarely have a specific cause that I trumpet. I support. While it was great being in the middle of the action. I always felt like I wasn't really doing what I was personally meant to do. 

My mind wandered about, thinking of all those intense personalities that I had worked with before. I wondered what cause they would support. Children. That's always a good place to start, or so I thought. I was soon dreaming up of  lists of things to do, people to meet and places to go. Then, a little voice whispered that perhaps I was looking too far away. I ought to start closer to home. Naturally, I ignored the voice and kept planning. I finally had a cause that I was going to trumpet. 

Then, it happened. In the middle of my day dream, I said something to him that did not honour him. I was not patient and I was unkind. I gave up and considered shutting that door, at least for a little while so that I could gather myself. The voice came back, whispering that I was looking to impress others with a grand scheme, a great plan, while I failed to keep my promise to love. It is often said that love is a choice, not a feeling. I'm having one of those days where I hope that he will keep choosing to love me in spite of it all. Meanwhile, I've scaled down my project. I figured maybe I should start by serving those I already know instead of seeking to start a new grand plan. 

Maybe, I'll make the next birthday about my parents.