There are instances where this may be true. However, in my case, adding people to the mix almost always makes it more difficult. I struggle to appreciate the value of gatherings like baby and bridal showers. I love gifts – please bring them on. I also love conversation. However, once you label the gift-giving ceremony and arrange it so that the conversation is almost scripted, it loses its authenticity. It then becomes about people worrying about how it will look. They are engulfed in talks about themes and colours. They stress over cake flavours and centerpieces. Then, with the popularity of social media, we are now obsessed with how it will look in the pictures.
When someone asks me how I am, for a moment, I debate about telling them the truth. The truth is that more often than not, I am not fine. I am almost always walking around with a lump in my chest – sad over one thing or another. Sometimes I do not know what the matter is yet. It takes me days, at times, weeks, to dig down to the core. I debate about whether or not this person really wants to know what is on my mind and/heart or if they are just being polite. I also wonder if, having told them, they have the emotional capacity to take on my drama. A lot of the time, I am aware that people are dealing with their own drama and I do not see the benefit in piling it on.
Before I was on contraceptives, even before I considered marriage or children, I was a sad soul. I remember instances at school [read Cape Town] when I was suicidal, for no real reason other than the fact that the sadness was so heavy. The hormonal contraceptive made it worse, but I had work to distract me. Then came pregnancy with its special cocktail of horrors. Now I’m reading about post-delivery depression, which explains a lot about how I feel at the moment.
The story I have been told was that I had to be happy about the idea of having a child. People are always eager to congratulate and celebrate. What happens if I am not happy? Or if the doubts I have outweigh the promise of the future? What if you are more excited than I am about it and I don’t want to pretend to meet you at your point of excitement? All those friends oozing all that happiness can be stifling and suffocating.
I know I have a few friends who can take on this drama, chew on it like a momma bird and feed it back to me in a manner that makes it more manageable. The majority, though, may not get it. They think economic stability, marriage and having a child are the ultimate definition of success. I should be happy, therefore, my squabbling is nonsense.
I have pulled out of various groups and conversations because in an attempt to explain my situation, I have ended up feeling frustrated and even more alone. In other cases, I feel like everyone else is so happy that for me to mention my drama would put a damper on the groups’ mood. It is best for me to withdraw and resurface when I am of good cheer. Adios!
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