the process

This is my process. I do not think it would work for everyone and, even for me, it doesn't work all the time. But there are successful moments. The joy of those outweighs the pain of the failures. 

Jesus said to him, "Away from me satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and derve him only.'"

When dealing with a demon, you must confront it. You must talk to and/or about it. You must identify what it is and how it works. Otherwise, by cowering and hiding in a corner, you give it fodder to feed on. I know the demon I wrestle is mostly preoccupied with my perception of the world. Often I think people mean more than they say and I read too much into any situation. I could easily cry over a love story and stay gloomy for days, harbouring that emotion. Sadly, though, joy is always fleeting. It never stays long enough.

By talking to someone or writing about my anxiety, I am declaring that I am no longer ashamed to talk about it. I do worry that some may consider my actions a bit melodramatic but I'd rather that than to cower in silence. The silence only makes the darkness worse.  Often my darkness may be triggered by something someone says yet the actual source of injury is a memory of a similar event in another time and place with an entirely different cast. Mining through my thoughts allows me to focus and target the source directly.  

The cure for darkness is light - is it not? The light of laughter, joy, love and friendship - and, in my case, the Light of God. This allows me to see that I am not on my own. I then know that I can rely on others to help me get through. Thankfully, God doesn't tire or get irritated. Even when the others run dry, he is an eternal spring of freshwater.  

Now that I can see my way, the best thing is to remove all the things that could cause the darkness to return. Purge. Purge. Purge. Sometimes it's as simple as getting rid of old clothes and shoes. In high school, I realised I had to stop reading erotic novels because they messed with my expectations of the world. I have also learnt that I can't stand most of the music made in the last 15 years. I am calmer when listening to 80s or 90s ballads or classical music. There are exceptions i.e. a few songs by Sauti Sol and Enrique Iglesias (who knew?). I threw everything else out. Other times it's as difficult as severing ties with a person. In this era of social media, it is also about leaving whatsapp groups and thinning my Facebook friend list (down by 60% so far).  

As recently as this Sunday I had to fix myself. The husband and I were talking about how I was struggling to find meaning in a relationship that I've had for more than a decade. I pointed out that I felt frustrated even though I was trying hard to make it work. I was wondering if I was the one holding back and wondering what more I could do. The husband suggested that perhaps the friendship was uneven from the get-go and that it was doomed to fail no matter what I did. To him, it appeared like we were a pea and a bean trying to share a pod. I was furious at him for saying I was a failure. I stormed off, leaving him and the 7 month old marshmallow at home. I was already working out a plan to drive off to a beach for the day and possibly spend the night so I could calm down. I didn't think I would want to face him all week. How dare he? Couldn't he see I was trying so hard?

And suddenly the light shone on my rage. All he ever did see was me trying so hard, often against my own will and conscience. He'd see me get ready to go out all hopeful and brighteyed only to return with a dark cloud hovering over my head. Often that would lead to days or weeks of agony while I tried to figure out what I did wrong and how I could be a better friend.

Now here I was contemplating how I was going to run away from my beaux. As if this relationship mattered more than life. The truth is he was right. The other person had created a life of their own in which I was a foreigner with no chance of ever being able to successfully navigate my way back to their heart. I was agonising over a dead end. And I almost allowed it to ruin my week. Purge. Purge. Purge.

I haven't severed ties. I am not yet that dramatic. But I know I need to manage my expectations of that relationship. It is only as strong as the lowest common denominator, and I was placing too much emphasis on its importance. It hurts like hell to know I pursued nothingness for so long. However better to know now than to carry on for another decade, trying to fix an unfixable mess.