Small thinking

There is a popular quote often attributed to Nelson Mandela about hiding one's light in a bid to fit into the culture of the day. You see, the challenge with being a giant is that, even when people claim to accept you as you are, they will exclaim at your shoe size or the amount of fabric required to make your clothes. They will stare as you eat, because in comparison to them, you are gulping down mountains of food. They will marvel at the size and thickness of the locks that break off as you brush your hair. And when you have to pee, the sound of your urine gushing out will be like a waterfall to them. They may accept you but they may never understand you.

My parents were deliberate to create experiences for me as a child that were different from the other children. We travelled the globe and country. We ate at fancy restaurants. We were members of the country club. We went to the best schools in the country. As such when I speak of these experiences, I may sound like I am boasting.

I am very deliberate about my life's choices. I will do the right thing because it results in the least amount of pain. I do not remember ever getting drunk. I barely drink alcohol and if I do it's usually at home or with the husband. And I will always hydrate after a glass of anything. I chose to remain a virgin till marriage and I recommend it. I do not think it is something to brag about to have multiple sexual partners. I try not to cheat the system or get involved in bribery. I stood in the line for my driving permit, passport and tax certificate - I did not pay a guy.

I am academically gifted and had my pick of careers. I could have been anything I wanted to be. I chose engineering because I felt the arts were not challenging enough. I was good at them but I was also bored. Sciences offered something new at each turn even when the experiment failed, which kept me from being disappointed. I was top of my class always. 

I find that I have been apologizing for my me-ness for a while. I live and co-exist with people whose parents weren't always available to them as they grew up or who struggled in school or who have made several bad choices and are dealing with the effects. I am a mess by all accounts. I have done some very stupid things. However, I think the most stupid thing was thinking that by trying to diminish my me-ness I might fit into the crowd a bit better. I tried to be bad and dumb. I tried to sit in places my heart was not happy with. And now after years of trying, I realize that I was wasting my time. 

Move on and find a giantville somewhere. Tiny town will never work out.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson [A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles]