System Error

I haven’t written here in ages – mostly because, I decided, that sadness is a dreadful thing to write about. One can go on forever and bore people with tales of dreariness and darkness. I figured there was enough actual darkness in my world. No need to make it permanent and pen it down, is there?

Anywho, the main man himself, Fountain of Honour, Commander-In-Chief, His Almost Royal Highness [monarchies, not democracies, are more likely to last 30 years], His Excellency, Omulembeezi waffe, Rais Museveni addressed the nation yesterday and, basically, declared technological war on crime. Electronically tracked car number plates. DNA testing for the entire populace [nevermind that we haven’t even managed to get fingerprinting done properly]. Modern CID labs in every one of our over 120 districts. Cameras on every highway. Numbers and trackers on Boda Boda. Etc etc.

Meanwhile, over here in the real world, I am amassing evidence that Ugandans cannot and will not acclimatize to the third industrial revolution spearheaded by breakthroughs in information and computing technologies.

Example 1: GAZ Petrol station

The fuel card is like a prepaid credit card, right? That’s what the advert said. I can load it with cash and withdraw fuel at the pump. Yet, every time I drive up to my local fuel attendant, he/she insists that I must talk to the manager in order to use the card. What was the point then? Mbu, everyone else uses it for points therefore I must be mistaken. 3 attempts later, I moved on. Goodbye GAZ.

Example 2: DSTV

Now, I, through my parents, have been loyal to DSTV. So, when I got my own house, I figured, we had to have it. Then I got busy and 6 months later we hadn’t renewed our subscription. A friendly voice calls and says if I pay up now, I’ll get a free month in addition to what I paid for. So, I paid for 30 days of viewing pleasure. What I got was 27 days and a mouthful from some customer care person and her supervisor about how the system has malfunctioned. Apparently, I need to top up to reactivate my account and that story about the free month was just that; a story. Die DSTV! Die!

Example 3: A certain plastic company

I still need to do business with these people – painfully. One of their own people referred to the company as a “government hospital”! I show up at 14:30, make my order and at 16:30 I am still being held hostage by an Indian accountant who, because of an error in their system, thinks I tried to steal UGX 20,000 worth of product in January. First of all, this is 6 months too late to cry. Secondly, the dude couldn’t even do the mental mathematics of UGX220 x 2000 pieces = UGX 440,000. HE. HAD. TO. CONSULT. HIS. CALCULATOR. Thirdly, I found this out at 16:00. So for an hour and a half I was told that either the machines was still busy or the covers had to be fetched from another part of the store or some other rubbish while they debated about whether to report the matter to the accountant who was just as likely to charge the staff for the missing cash as he was to charge me.

What are the chances that the fancy number plates and cameras will actually work in the hands of the wanainchi?