Shall we dance?

Guilt is such an ugly thing. 

Paul says, 'We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?' Paul's letter to the Romans, 6:2.

I have a dance partner with whom I shared every dance I learnt. I even went as far as to introduce this partner to my other dance mates so that our conversations would be unhindered. My partner would know my people. I tried in all earnest to learn more about my partner and the life they led outside of the dances. I tried to walk down their path and even learnt a few new dances outside of my normal routine so that I could match their tempo. It was clear to me that there were others in my partner's life - and I was fine with that. All I asked for was honesty. 

However, my partner chose the shadows instead. Whenever my partner missed a dance or if I noticed that their rhythm was outside of our usual beat, I would ask. The answer was always, 'Fine. Everything is fine.' Until it wasn't. Until I found out about the other life - the lie. Sadly it was not my partner who revealed it. I had to hear it from other mates. I had to confront my partner about the mess - because they had chosen to go missing again rather than face the music. I also had to hear my partner create an elaborate excuse - say that the situation was unavoidable - that somehow 'life' was responsible and that they were just trying to manage it as best as they can. I should understand.

My heart is weak. So, I die several times a day; when I see others dancing or hear our song or when I hear laughter - because laughter brings back memories of the joys we shared; well, the joys I thought we shared. Now I am left with the deepest, saddest realisation that I do not trust my partner any more. I tried to carry on like I was not hurt. But, that only deepened the darkness and it started to creep out of my head and into the rest of my life. An infant should never have to comfort his weeping mother. A husband should never go to sleep feeling helpless and hopeless because he cannot bring laughter to his beloved's eyes. 

So, I chose to chase the darkness. I chose to erase all memory of the dances and return to the beginning - before I met this partner. Yet, even then I was still bound. While the saddness of betrayal lessened, I was greeted by guilt. For, you see, my faith, or more accurately, my faith community insists that  hearts must be open for business all the time - that to intentionally close your heart is against the nature of the creator. Guilt hovers over my day and consumes my night. 

Meanwhile, the partner is now dancing, happily, to a new tune, in a new place, in the hands of a new one, surrounded by new lights and smells, totally unaware of the car crash in their rear. 

Guilt is such an ugly thing.

I am done. Packing up and moving on.