Loving me

It's been raining a lot. According to the news, the world's worst hurricane just passed by us, on the other side of the country. I think the rains are the left over bits of the storm. Rain, however, does not mean cool conditions. It's still hot and humid. So, now I must find happiness, else will drown. 

One of the benefits of multicultural engagements is that I get to listen to music I would never have known about. Lin introduced me to an Indonesian artist called Tulus and this beautiful song. These guys attempt to translate it [but she says they did a horrible job]. The essence of the song is that this man is telling his partner to expect more of him. 

"Do not love me for who I am, look for more, expect more of me."

The melody is the type that tugs at your heart. I do not exhibit emotion, well, not usually. However, I do tend to get [secretly] emotional about movies and sad soft songs. The lady in Tulus' song is willing to accept her partner and to live with who he is. She is willing to risk child birth in their one-room apartment, at the mercy of a kind hearted neighbour. The man is an entertainer at children's parties [I am trained to be polite and refuse to call him a clown]. Thus, they could not afford to go to a hospital. The song says she should not settle for this. She should challenge him to be more than he is. 

Love has a funny way of changing the way things appear. I was once so infatuated that everything I saw and touched turned pink. At that time, I sang Switchfoot's Only Hope all the time. I was bewitched by Nicholas Sparks' A Walk to Remember and Note Book. A little while before that I was enraptured by Savage Garden's I knew I loved you. Paris does that to you, especially when you're 11 and very impressionable. I fell in love with the idea of being in love even before I fully understood what it was. Savage Garden was just the thing to seal the deal on my infatuation with a mirage. 

Finally, when I did meet him, we spent hours singing and swaying to Jill Phillips' Everyday [apparently YouTube can't share that song any more]. He sees more than I am. He sees all I can be and he challenges me to be more. Yesterday, we had a long conversation about my condition. He refuses to believe I am incapable of joy. He says he's seen glimpses of it and that was enough to convince him that I am capable of more. He refuses to love just who I am. He insists on loving who I can be. Sometimes, love overwhelms me. I fail so often that I fear that he might give up. Or I am frustrated by his expectations and want to be left alone to wallow in my self pity. I am the reason for most of the dark days and the silent nights [literally and figuratively]. Like Tulus says, I need to dig deep and find that part of me that is waiting to come out, the bit that I haven't tapped. 

Right now, I am too tired to venture into self discovery. I'll just have Tulus on replay for a little while longer.